. Feeling as if you have to explain yourself in every little detail of what you were doing throughout the day. (Ex: mentioning every single stop you made, why it took you so long to go from point a-b, having lunch with family & still feeling the need to tell the narcissist every single detail to try and prevent them from getting angry)
. Being told that something never happened, or that something was never said, when you know it really did happen or was said; making you out to be “crazy” or being told you’re “hallucinating”.
. Feeling like you aren’t allowed to have your own opinion; not speaking up about something that you know isn’t right, in order to keep the peace.
. Always worrying that you’ve done something wrong, when deep down you know you didn’t, but still you know that whatever you did will somehow upset the narcissist. (Even if it wasn’t anything worth getting mad about)
. Not being able to speak your mind or stand up for your beliefs- especially if your beliefs are not in alignment with the narcissist, he completely dismisses/corrects/ignores your thoughts/feelings.
. being accused of “starting all the problems”.
. Your boundaries are being violated. The narcissist will do things that they wouldn’t want done to them, such as looking over your shoulder who you are texting someone, jumping up to look at your phone screen when a notification pops up before you even get a chance to look, asking you too many questions about what you’ve been doing, searching inside of your car to try and find something.
. Being forced to accept his beliefs as your own.
. Being questioned/intimidated as if he is your probation officer, but not being able to question him in return; getting shut down or the roles flipped back onto you any time you question him, so he won’t be in the limelight.
. Being “be-littled”, being treated or spoken to in a way that makes you seem less important than the narcissist. Narcissists love to “gas” themselves up, and brag about things they have done, or people they know or have dealt with in the past, to try and make themselves look “bigger” or more important than they actually are. The underlying message they are trying to get across by doing this is: “look how special I am” or “People will respect me because I come from ______! So this obviously means I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance”.
. He expects special treatment from you, or expects his needs to be catered to (often instantly) without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. They will expect you to drop what you are doing, or drop any future plans you may have already made, just to better accommodate their needs.
. Being charming when he needs something from you. He most likely will not say that he needs something upfront, but instead he will be very charming & will in a way “kiss your ass” or bring you home roses and shower you with affection, then later on when your in a good mood from all of his charming, he will wait until the time is perfectly right to ask a huge favor from you, for example: “Hey babe, you think I can borrow $500 until next week when I get paid so I can buy this car & resell it, I can make a triple flip off of the $500 and resell it for $1500 when I get it fixed up? It’s a really good deal & I don’t want to miss out on it! Come on! You know I’ll pay you back baby! I promise!”. (Even though he has NO INTENTION to ever really pay you back). Then once you give in, the next day he will go back to being an asshole, while you wonder what you’ve done wrong, then you will feel resentful for going against your gut feeling, knowing you shouldn’t have given him anything, because you know that he plays these games all the time & nothing ever, EVER, changes. Too many details often means that this was well thought out and he has come up with all of the lies he needed to tell in order to get you to cooperate.
. He has a grandiose personality & thinks of himself as a “hero” or “one of a kind”, that no one can ever take his place. He may exaggerate his self-importance, and try to make you believe that you can’t live or survive without his magnificent contributions, because “nobody will ever put up with your nonsense” or “nobody will ever love you— your a slut” or “no relationship you have after me will ever work— your attitude is disgusting”. Sometimes they will even use your own words against you, for example I told mine in the beginning “I suck at communicating” not thinking that line would ever be used against me in the future. He told me once: “If you leave me, nobody will ever wanna be with you, your attitude is crazy & your so sneaky, you even said it yourself that “you suck at communicating”, you think anyone is going to waste their time trying to get you to talk to them?” He has also said to me “Guys only want one thing, YOUR PUSSY! That’s your pussy, so do whatever you wanna do with it, that’s your problem not mine, your gonna be the one who looks like a whore always spreading her legs for everyone, I fucked you in the first week, you think any other guy is going to actually take you seriously if you give the pussy up in the first week?” I would respond: “Well yeah, obviously you stuck around right?” And he would always say “yeah that’s because I love you, that’s the only reason why”. I would say back: “Yeah well what makes you think someone else won’t love me?” Then he would get mad so I would just keep my mouth shut after that.
. Gaining control/power by keeping you feeling insecure and off-balance. They become easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with a heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissist are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Most narcissist will make you feel inferior, which boosts their fragile ego & makes them feel better about themselves.
For example: In the beginning of my relationship, I would bring home random gifts sometimes, (for him ) maybe a pair of sneakers or a new shirt. Recently, I brought home both of my kids a pair of sneakers each, and a shirt to match them. I brought the stuff I got in their room to show them & told them to put their sneakers and shirts away. When my kids went outside to play afterwards, he comes up to me & says “What you told the kids to hide the new stuff you got them? Let me tell you something bitch, I ain’t no fucking bum, I don’t need you to buy shit for me, I been fly before I met you, you don’t have to tell your kids to hide the new stuff you got them as if you don’t want me to see it”.
I replied: “WHAT??? Who the hell do you think you are? What in the world makes you think that I would ever tell my kids to “hide” the new stuff I BOUGHT for them?? Now let me tell you something BITCH! I would never ask my kids to hide something from you! I can buy them what ever the fuck I want to buy them!! They are MY KIDS! I damn sure don’t have to hide ANYTHING I BUY THEM FROM YOU!!”
In my head: “like what even made him say that? When did I ever call him a bum! He must feel that way about himself for him to automatically bring that up & react that way. That’s just crazy!”
This is a fine example of the entitlement, grandiose personality, & expecting special treatment.
.don’t try to explain yourself or get sympathy/validation from the narcissist. They are NOT going to give it to you.
If the narc Buys you as Phone- they will check your call log history through the carriers website, they may even stalk you through find my iPhone etc. they will also act like they don’t know how to do certain things on a phone either for reason #1 so you think they don’t know how to work a phone very well, so that you would never think they are capable of Downloading any apps to stalk you etc or reason #2 to make you feel like they have nothing to hide by letting you show them something on their phone or #3 to see how much you know about phones & to see if you are “tech savvy” enough to know what they might be up too. (This is a test to see how much you know & if you are very tech savvy, they will use that info and find new ways to be even sneakier so you won’t find out anything they may be hiding.
Check your phone to see if you have any apps downloaded that you never installed yourself.: such as life360, accu tracking, family1st etc. if you have an iPhone go to settings-messages then go to (send&receive) make sure your phone number and email are the only ones listed-because those are where your messages are going to.
If you have an iPhone- go to your texts with your narc and click on their name make sure you aren’t sharing your location with them-unless you do so purposely. They can also turn on your “read receipts” to know if you read their messages or not & if you are ignoring them.
If you live with a narcissist- check your house for cameras, for audio recorders, or sometimes they will even use an old phone. If they offer you to use their car for the day (and that is t something they would normally do) it’s probably because they have a gps installed in it, or an audio recorder. Check the whole car. Even check under your steering wheel column where you would plug in a “check engine” reader. Some trackers plug into that.
The narcissist never wants to see you doing better than them. Notice how they act when you come home with exciting news about getting a new job (etc.) they might say congrats, but pay attention to those undertones and their subtle body language. They may even decide to pick a fight later on just to keep you up all night so they can be sure that you’ll have a bad first day at your new job. They don’t give a flying fuck if you get fired. They could care less. That will just give them more time for more of your “supply” because you’ll be back stuck inside of the house once your fired. When I was at work at my new job, and my narc was blowing my phone up and I didn’t answer bc work was busy, he came to my job and started a huge argument and embarrassed me.
Narcissists do not have their own personality. They “mimic” those closest to them, and will put on whatever “mask” they think you’ll like best in a particular moment.
Narcissists will talk bad about someone in public that they actually admire. For example, I’m white & my bf is black. He told me that he never dated a white woman before me. Now, when we are out in public and he sees a black woman, he will say things like “ratchet ass bitch” under his breath, or when the black woman walks outside of the store. (But before he met me, he only dated black women. It’s not like I had anything against black women for him to say something like that, he would just come out of no where with it. I would say something like “woah, where did that come from?” Or “why does she have to be all that?” And he would just respond with “because, she’s just a ghetto ratchet ass bitch”.
And with me, before him I’ve only dated mostly black men, some Spanish. So another thing he would do that would really get under my skin and embarrass me, was we’d be out somewhere in public & let’s say he was sitting in the car waiting for me while I would run into the store to grab cigs and play lotto, if a black man were to walk in while I was in the store, He would ALWAYS without ANY doubt, come in the store soon after. Especially if I was “taking too long”. If he thought I was taking too long while a black man just entered the store, He would come inside & depending on what I was doing- let’s say I just got done paying and was headed for the door- he would just say something like “why you taking so long” as we would walk out together. But god forbid I was still standing on line- he would walk up to me, stand on line with me, ask me “why the hell you taking so long” then he would proceed to look around, take a good look at the black man & he would say something like “what’s up? You got a problem?” Or he has said on diff occasions “what’s up man, you looking at my girl like you know her or some thing”. When the guy wasn’t even looking at me. Another time he even accused me of talking to a guy when there weren’t even any words exchanged at all.
Why narcissist chose you:
Now their can be two different reasons why a narcissist chose you:
#1 reason: is usually because you have qualities that they find attractive. You are strong, smart, understanding, etc. when I first met my narc, he would always compliment me on things that I would do in front of him. For example, I’m kind of like a “Jill of all trades”. I know how to fix things on cars, I know how to install car radios and subwoofers, I know a lot about human psychology, science and astrology, I have many different interests that I dabble in, and he always would compliment me and tell me how impressive I am. When I told him about my past, he also realized how strong I am for going through what I went through (if only I knew then— what was in store for the future because I thought I was strong back then, I’m solid as a rock now). But these are qualities that the narcissist finds attractive. (In the beginning that is— of course). These same qualities soon become what the narcissist hates about you down the line)
Or #2nd reason: they think that you are so dumb that you will do anything they want/ask you to do. Some narcissists specifically go after people who they feel are extremely “vulnerable” and will bend over backwards for them. Especially someone who just got out of a relationship with another narcissist— they will be a prime target. It could even be a friend of that narcissist, who may decide to come for you. While you are hurting and vulnerable, they will butter you up & tell you everything you want to hear, especially if you poured out your whole life story to them about what you just went through with this other person, they will listen very closely.
Asking them if they seen something that you are missing & they say no. Then all the sudden they mysteriously